Thoughts are containers for energy. They carry these energetic vibrations with them adding to the creative manifestations in our lives. I am feeling into some yucky familiar stuff just now with someone who is close to me. It felt right to blog about it while processing through it is fresh in my feelings. I am sharing in hopes that this will bring awareness to the process of feeling into one’s body, not just on the table, but off as well.
I received a call that started out well and turned into a nightmare. As he spoke, he escalated quickly, got louder and became angry. It seemed to come from nowhere. I found myself in the midst of drama that I had not created. I allowed his fear to restrict me, to close me down, and make me angry. He did not do it to me, I did. I could feel myself getting attached to his suffering, his fear, and his drama. I felt my body contracting. He continued in his usual way of spewing poison from fear, all over me and off of him. In this moment I recognized this as a pattern of self sabotage for him. He has a fear of poverty and lack, as his parents lost his boyhood home when he was in high school. I also know that the beliefs around this are very real, very painful, and very deep for him. It hurt to be present with his anger, that was coming straight for me, but I knew it was not mine.
I re-centered and said to myself, ‘let it be his, he is not aware’. I softened some. He is relieving himself of some of the pressure and poison that eats away at him. I however, do not like being on the receiving end of this. It hurts and is all to familiar. My ears are not a trash can for anyone’s poison. I asked myself, “What can I do?” I softened in my body some more using my breath. I could feel a familiar fear trying to arise inside of me. I could also feel compassion for myself in this moment. I suddenly could see this familiar fear and anger, as a pattern. I could see the fear so plainly like never before. I softened even more. I did not take any thought captive saying…(meaning I did not allow myself the usual rant to rehash what he said).
I allowed my body to feel what it was feeling, I kept my mind clear and reigned in the thoughts of sabotage. They kept coming, taunting me. His fear was so loud. If I attached myself to the poison and the fear I would have only made it bigger. The Bible says Fear has Torment. That it does! For a few seconds, I mean like 15 seconds, I let myself “go there”. It felt so gross and I knew exactly where it was going. Having been down that road before, I stopped, realizing that I have the power to think about whatever I want. I turned around. I do not have to participate in this drama or add energy to this fear and can avoid the TORMENT that follows.
A few minutes later, a client called in to cancel her appointment. I became astutely aware of adding my own energy to the fear while also feeling contracted in my body. I have been steadily growing my business over the past 3 years. I am noticing that more and more that personal and professional growth has to do with the state of my own energy.
Am I contracted and fearful?
NO growth for me or my business.
Am I centered, present, and loving?
I get expansion.
It is as if my reaping and sowing karmic exchange is almost immediate now. My body is my compass. Fear causes me to contract, sabotaging my energy and taking it somewhere away from me and is not useful. Many times it is destructive on its way out leaving aches and pains in my body that lead to fascial restrictions. Love causes expansion, or an opening for vital energy flow and a softening in my body resulting in release that is healthy. Love fills me like adding in energy and vitality while simultaneously making a way for more of what I desire, healing as it expands. I just received another call for someone wanting the slot of the missed appointment! Just by being aware of what is happening in my body, I can sense and see the changes that are created in my life. AMAZING.
Having compassion, recognizing patterns, and asking ourselves questions like:
“Is this serving me?”
“Is this sabotaging me?”
Brings in Awareness.
After Awareness, comes the choice…
What will you serve? LOVE or FEAR?